compromise VS lost of self-respect

i realise many a times when faced with a tacky situation, i always choose to compromise or brush the matter aside.

today i was reminded again of how much im lacking in self-respect.

today i understand that placing others in front of my own interest is a demeaning thing and an act of belittlement towards myself.

today i understand that no matter how much effort that was put into doing something right for others may not be reciprocated in any way.

today.

i learnt that i am a person with no principle.

sorry, cancel that.

i am not even qualified to be a living person.

i am, instead, a shadow that weaves through the crowd, only seen when someone looks down.

a shadow with no identity or name.

and most of all, if i had actually really comprehend anything at all, that would be the fact that there's no me anymore in this little world that axis around the sun.







all my life, i've been trying so hard to please everyone around me by behaving like the person they want me to be, or rather the person they want to be seen with.

my so-called morals and principles have been thrown all the way beyond my head, never to be reflected from my heart again.

but after so many years of throwing them away, there's no use either.

because when the person they tried so hard to turn me into was there, they couldnt see it, it was more than efforts thrown into the drain, it was more than eyes that went dried from over-flowing of tears, it was more than a simple nightmare that you can wake up from.

because my nightmares start when im awake facing these people.

what is a person without a character? a spread of paint on the wall? or just the dust that lies thinly on it, that no one sees except when they reach out to touch it?

well that would probably be me.



settling - would be the word for the dust on that wall.



so many a times i needed someone to be there to guide me to be me again because im so used to be being guided on how to live to please others, but i realised even those whom i trust to almost half my heart full, are simply throwing empty promises one after another.

its true. disappointment come after expectations. promises are made to be broken.

how i wish i could do the same to them too.

today i also learnt that if i wish for any guidance, it would have to be from me and only me, because everyone's an individual, no one lives for you, no one should, and i should start doing the same too.



singing along to lily allen's "LDN"
i finally understood the meaning behind those simple yet strong words.
"When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
you can see it's all lies"




lies. yeah lies.


all lies.




but im lucky.

in my little unsightly world, i met a girl who was able to see that thin layer of dust, who made me feel that im no longer that layer of dust, who allowed my presence to be seen as just me, the un-compromising, the un-changing, the un-suffocating me.

and here, i wana say,





thank you.